Breaking My Own Heart for Healing
The Unexpected Freedom in Vulnerability
⚠️ This blog post contains some adult language. If that’s not your thing, feel free to skip this one or proceed with caution
“Why the fuck did I do that?” I randomly exclaimed for about 3 days. Periodically substituted with, “I can’t believe I did that!” I had just pushed send on a message where I laid my heart bare, not knowing how it would be received. My words echoed in my mind, “I don’t like living in a world where you aren’t a part of my life.” In that declaration I was my most honest and vulnerable. It not only indicated the intrinsic value that I placed on a person outside of myself, but it went against every girl power anthem I bopped to since the beginning of my existence. This wasn’t a cheesy rom com where a carefully crafted love letter would end in a happily ever after. This was my life and my very real feelings, about a very real person. I was scared as fuck.
As I sat down to type the letter, I knew that there was a possibility that it would go unanswered (spoiler alert: it did). I’ve been practicing to sit with difficult feelings lately, instead of stuffing them down and hiding from them. So I sat with what it would feel like if he didn’t respond.
I knew for a person who considered herself unlucky in love, fear of abandonment and rejection had a stronghold on my psyche. In the past it led me to sabotage relationships. I got cozy with men I knew were too emotionally unavailable to commit. I idealised being the exception not the rule. I had carefully woven together a safety net that I convinced myself would protect me from being hurt, no matter how many times the fibres gave way and proved me wrong.
So many of us walk around with armour built piece by piece from the pain we’ve experienced. We polish it with cynicism and distrust. We use phrases like “I’m good,” the smooth out the dents born from our emotional battles. We hope that it can not only keep the pain out, but also to hide our authentic selves. All the unhealed, ugly parts we think aren’t worthy of love.
I had done that for so long, and where did it get me? Did it make my heart ache less? Did it make my wounds heal faster? No. What it did do was lull me into a false sense of security, it made me forget that when I built walls around my heart out of fear, I wasn’t just keeping out the bad, I was also keeping out the good.
So as I asked myself, “Why the fuck did I do that?” in fear and contempt. I reframed it, and asked myself “Why the fuck did I do that?” with care and understanding. It was to understand what I truly valued. What I valued was honesty, expressing love without judgment from self (or society), I valued honouring my feelings and I valued being an advocate for my heart healing.
This reframing allowed me to truly understand something that I think I already knew intuitively, which was that this was an important part of my letting go process. Just because it wasn’t outlined in any traditional break-up advice, didn’t make it less valid.
Once I opened myself up to the value of what I had done, I realised I felt liberated knowing there was no question of how I felt. I didn’t need a response to feel validated or to feel confident that I did the right thing for my healing.
Every now and then I slip into scolding myself for putting my feelings out there but I’m reminded that personal growth only comes from doing the things you find uncomfortable. I can only expand my emotional capacity by pushing past my self-imposed limits.
I could choose to feel embarrassed because I didn’t receive a response. But honestly I think its kind of badass to open up your heart without exactly knowing how it will turn out. I feel proud in the way I chose to show up.
This experience also taught me how important it is to allow others to show up (or not show up) based on what feels right for them without obligation, judgement or explanation.
This soul journey through love is an interesting and sometimes tumultuous one. But I am forever grateful for how it is allowing me to become more of who I am.
Have you ever expressed your true feelings without knowing how they would be received? How did it change you? Let me know in the comments below.👇
Joyfully,
Moken Marsai ✨
P.S. If my story resonates with you and and you feel moved to support my journey, consider leaving a donation. While Becoming Moken is free for now, your contributions help sustain my healing process and enable me to create even more content. Your support is truly a blessing and a tangible way to share the love.