I Am Who I Am: Embracing My Unapologetic Truth
How I Learned to Honour My True Self and Stop Seeking Validation from Others
A few hours before writing this, I found myself declaring in a text, “I am who I am and I’m not for everyone.” This declaration barreled out of me, a little too eager to make its presence known. Then there it was in bold sans serif font. Those words could never be unwritten or explained away. They were exactly what they were, and exactly what I needed them to be, honest.
Earlier that day I paid good money to draw squiggly lines on watercolour paper and talk about my feelings in Art Therapy. When I completed my first “masterpiece”, my therapist said, “tell me about what you’ve done here.” I paused for a moment, to me I hadn’t done anything. I felt like drawing squiggly lines, so I drew squiggly lines. It felt good to meld colours together and make a collage of items that decidedly didn’t go together. I didn’t care what it looked like (it was hideous btw), it only mattered what it felt like.
A piece of art that only a few minutes ago, I thought meant nothing became a metaphor for the huge f*** you I wanted to give every people pleasing filter I’d constructed. Declaring I’m not for everyone was a part of that. It meant embracing that as a woman diagnosed with a mood disorder, I may be written off as being emotionally unstable. It meant understanding that as a survivor of sexual assault, some may not have the capacity to make sense of my vulnerabilities, in the midst of seeking their own sexual pleasure. It’s knowing that being goal-oriented, can also be interpreted as being rigid. And I run the risk of being mistaken for one of those one-dimensional guru types that quote Les Brown in their Instagram bios.
But it isn’t my job to prove to anyone that I fit or don’t fit into whatever framework they’ve designed for me. My responsibility is to show up authentically, and embrace the opportunity to learn about others as I would like them to embrace the opportunity to learn about me. It’s understanding the importance of taking ownership of my own healing and not using it as an excuse for toxic behaviour.
In this life I’ll meet many people on my journey. Some may never venture past the surface. Some may peel back the layers and decide it’s not for them. And others will see behind the cracks and fall in love not because of, but despite of. That’s who I am for.
Only when you consciously decide to stop striving to be palatable to everyone, is when you can make room to show up as yourself, for yourself.
What parts of yourself are you no longer apologising for or hiding? Let me know in the comments below.
Joyfully,
Moken Marsai
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