Why Your Self-Care Routine Is All Wrong—And How to Fix It.
Discover the Real Practices That Nourish Your Mind, Body, and Soul Beyond the Surface
Self-Care is Going Beyond Skin Deep
If you scroll long enough on TikTok, you will undoubtedly come across some version of a Self-care Sundays weekly ritual. Your favourite beauty influencer walks you through what it takes to "wake up like this" as they casually advertise the latest trend, which just happens to be ready to buy on their TikTok shop. Though I'm not against being high-maintenance to be low-maintenance or even monetising your influence, after all, these bills aren't going to pay themselves. I can't help but think that our hyper-capitalistic society has flung us into a state of doing self-care wrong. It seems we're missing an opportunity to approach self-care as a practice that isn't just skin deep. If we're being honest, does it matter if you have flawless skin but can't approach your shortcomings with love and care? When you wash away that turmeric face mask, will it dissolve the mask you've been wearing to avoid showing the world the real you? Does that apricot body exfoliator scrub away your insecurities about your thighs? When did beauty and self-care become synonymous?
In this post, I'll explain how I'm approaching self-care more holistically and suggest ways you might, too.
Self-Care is Setting Boundaries
A few years ago, I landed my dream job as a creative director at a digital agency, which was anything but a dream. Our team was remote, so I was subjected to the unyielding drudgery of Zoom calls that could've been emails and the incessant pinging of incoming Slack messages, which we were required to answer in no less than fifteen minutes. Every morning, I felt like an elephant was vacationing on my chest. I would take three to five showers daily just to calm my nerves.
At the same time, new love was blooming. I had reconnected with an old high school classmate, and the sparks were flying. Our relationship was long-distance, so I was doing double time on screen time. My beau wanted to spend every moment I wasn't working with him on video chat. My boundaries then were so weak I was too afraid to tell him no, even when he insisted I take my phone to the bathroom when I expressed I wanted to soak off the day in the bathtub. Between my boss and my boo, I was going insane and in desperate need of some me time.
So, I booked a massage.
The masseuse set up his table in my living room. The lights were low, soothing nature sounds played in the background, and he took his sweet time working through the knots in my back. I've had massages before, but THIS was toe-curling, drool seeping out of the corners of my mouth good. When it was done, I knew I would sleep well that night. Those aspirations, however, were short-lived. When I got on the phone with my then-boyfriend thirty minutes later, the massage might as well have been a figment of my imagination. I don't even remember our conversation; I only knew that I felt drained immediately as he started talking. My chest was tight, my eyes were on fire, and I was anything but relaxed.
On the surface, it seemed that all I needed was a little R&R, but when I dug deeper, the real self-care that needed to be put into practice was something more pragmatic: protecting my peace and setting clear boundaries. No massage in the world could help me escape the fact that both my job and my relationship were draining me. Neither of them was aligned with the vision I had for myself, and they were, in fact, making me sick.
I've spent countless hours reviewing articles and videos on self-care. Longing to find the magic pill to a balanced life. Most of us envision what self-care should look like mani/pedis, facials, and treating ourselves to lavish gifts. Seems simple enough, doesn't it? But we need to realise that having such a shallow approach to self-care is not only lazy, it's negligent. Each of us is unique, along with our challenges, fears, and vices. All of this, together, makes up the good, bad and ugly of who we are. So it would stand to reason that what we need to be cared for would also be unique. This is a reminder that in redefining self-care on your terms, you mustn't ignore the most vital part of the equation, yourself.
Self-Care is Honouring Yourself in Each Moment
In my quest to redefine self-care on my terms, I didn't want the self-care I indulged in to be fleeting, checking a box and then returning to treating myself poorly in every other aspect of my life. I began that journey with an anchoring question.
How can I honour myself in this moment?
It is essential to point out that self-care is just as much about the day-to-day as it is moment-to-moment. As women, we wake up every morning with different needs due to the cyclical nature of our being. If you're a woman living with mental illness like myself, there's an added layer of complexity to what we need to feel nourished at any given time.
When I was diagnosed with Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder, I became keenly aware of even the slightest shift in my mood. I would experience the most upheaval about two weeks before my cycle began. It was in those early days I learned how to determine if my irritable mood was due to being in the midst of what we PMDD warriors call hell week or if I had another valid reason to be upset. Depending on the results of my analysis, I would act accordingly. I became confident in communicating that I needed some time alone to work through my feelings; I journaled, went to rage rooms and advocated for myself. In those moments, self-care meant listening to my body and what she was telling me and taking steps to give her what she needed.
When I realised my ex was never going to love me the way I deserved to be loved, the answer to the question, "How can I honour myself in this moment?" was, "Don't give him another opportunity to hurt you."
As I struggle with my weight due to being on a new medication, the answer to "How can I honour myself in this moment?" is, "Learn to eat more mindfully and get active ways that you enjoy."
Self-Care is Day-to-Day Acts of Love
This question, though simple, forced me to take a deep look at how I moved through each day. To question how each act of self-care I took was honouring not only the woman I was but the woman I wanted to be.
Each time I posed the question to myself, I got glimpses—glimpses of what ignited my soul. What unfolded was a daily practice of mundane tasks that we often take for granted. I found that as I completed each task, I not only felt good, I felt loved.’
When I wake up each morning, my first act of self-care is to have a wholesome breakfast, whether I make it myself or grab it from my favourite cafe. It fuels me through the day, and the practice of taking time to eat a nourishing meal is almost therapeutic. Practices like spreading my bed and maintaining a skin routine soon joined the ranks. It was as if, with each action, I was sending my subconscious a message of love and respect.
Soon enough, this philosophy flowed into my professional life. Each day, when I set up for work, I remind myself that I'm investing in my financial future. I'm doing my part to ensure that I can afford the things that bring me peace and comfort. When I freelance, I think about the value I provide to my clients and honour myself by asking to be paid what I'm worth.
Another key player in my self-care journey has been AI. As the world is enthralled by what artificial intelligence means for the fate of humanity, many have been seeking solace in this artificial pal. One of the ways AI has helped me on my path to honour myself daily is with planning and organising aspects of my day, from helping me to design a gym routine based on my needs to gluten-free meal plans. I have been leaning into technology to ease my mental load, which has done wonders for my anxiety. Some things have paused simply because I felt too overwhelmed to address them.
Recently, on Threads, I shared how I used ChatGPT to craft a custom love letter to myself based on my birth chart. I have long been a fan of writing love letters to myself as an act of self-care, but this exercise took it to the next level. I was blown away by how many people found value in this seemingly simple exercise and how it brought them to tears. Reading this love letter to myself has become integral to my self-care practice.
Self-Care is Facing Hard Truths
Self-care isn't only about what makes you feel good in the moment. It can be about taking actions now that your future self will be grateful for, like having hard conversations or sitting with complicated feelings. Recently, I ran into a woman who was once my best friend. Two years ago, I decided to walk away from our friendship because it was pulling me in the wrong direction. It was one of the most challenging conversations I've ever had because, unlike a breakup that may be fueled with anger and frustration, I still had a deep love for her. I still remember the words clumsily falling from my mouth as I told her of my decision, the cold sweat streaming from my armpits and my heart beating so fast I thought I'd pass out. I tried to save the situation by sending a more eloquent follow-up through text, which ended with the words, "Remember to love yourself first." When I began to read the words of her response, I knew it would only break my heart, so I deleted it without reading the rest.
They say platonic breakups are often more brutal than romantic ones, and I'd say whoever "they" are was right. I frequently thought back to our friendship and what it taught me, and I even wondered if I had done the right thing. But when I ran into my old friend that hot July day in the last place I expected to see her, I knew I had made the right decision for my well-being. I could see the stark contrast between who I was then: depressed, dependent, and stuck, and who I am now: happy, independent, and free. I wouldn't have been capable of such a transformation if I were still stuck in our previous dynamic.
Self-Care is Protecting Your Peace
When we consider self-care from a broader perspective, we open ourselves to various possibilities of what it entails. Wellness experts have led us to believe that spending an hour getting our nails done is a hidden secret to achieving balance. They've also suggested that indulging in activities beyond our means is a form of self-love. However, painting our nails red doesn't undo the times we've been unkind to ourselves, neglected adequate sleep, or allowed toxic individuals to overstay their welcome. Self-care isn't just about positive affirmations and avocado toast. It's a daily practice of showing love and care to our minds, bodies, and souls.
Self-care can't be regulated to periodic tasks inspired by fluff pieces. It is about giving yourself the gift of peace daily. It may not come immediately, but I've learned to value long-term peace of mind over the instant gratification of pushing things aside. This means engaging in difficult conversations with friends and family. It sometimes involves allowing yourself to sit with your pain and loss. It's about giving yourself time to process feelings that you don't understand and setting boundaries even when confrontation is imminent.
As you progress through different stages in life, things will take on new meanings for you. In my daily routine, I try to consistently show myself love, care, and respect.
As I’ve learned to embrace self-care as a daily practice, my guiding principle remains: How can you honour yourself at this moment? I encourage you to ask yourself this too, not just today, but every day, as you navigate the highs and lows of life.
P.S. Thank you for reading Becoming Moken! If my story resonates with you and you feel moved to support my journey, consider leaving a love offering. While Becoming Moken is free for now, your contributions help sustain my healing process and enable me to create even more content. Your support is truly a blessing and a tangible way to share the love.
Oh man this was such a beautiful read!! I went to an event as well, and a question was asked about how to take care of yourselves as creatives. One of the answers that stuck out to me was “don’t self care yourself to death.” We are so caught up in the aesthetics but are we really doing self care? Like you said can the clay masks take away what’s going on on the inside? This was absolutely beautiful and good on your for setting boundaries and knowing when to walk away even if it hurts🫂🤍
Very sensible, well-written and useful approach to the idea of self-care, Moken. Excellent post!