Unbecoming is a live reflection series where I explore what it means to let go of who I thought I had to be—the hustle, the pressure, the expectations—to find peace, joy, and identity on my own terms.
In this week’s episode of Unbecoming, I share my journey of being single for the past seven years and finding myself through decentering romance.
After leaving a 14-year on-and-off relationship, I’ve been working through layers of healing, grief, anger, and rediscovery. This episode is me, live and unscripted, answering journal prompts about love, loneliness, and reclaiming my life outside of romantic partnerships.
If you’ve ever wondered whether you’re better off solo or struggled with the loneliness of being the only single friend, this episode might resonate with you.
My Key Takeaways
Romance isn’t everything. I grew up believing a relationship was the key to happiness. It’s not. My worth is not tied to being partnered.
Covert abuse is real. My long-term relationship was emotionally abusive in subtle ways I didn’t recognise until years later.
Red flags matter. Criticism of my passions, secrecy, gaslighting, and partners who isolate me from friends are now deal-breakers.
Healing takes time. I’m still processing anger and grief for the parts of myself I lost, but I’m reclaiming my voice, creativity, and joy.
Solo life has freedom. I love choosing for myself, exploring art, music, and travel without needing anyone’s approval.
Loneliness happens. I miss having a partner sometimes, especially as friends pair off, but I’d rather be alone than in a harmful relationship.
Love isn’t off the table. I’m open to a relationship if it’s healthy and genuine—but I’m building a full life either way.
Friendships are valuable. Not all meaningful connections have to be romantic. Some of my deepest bonds are platonic.
Reflection
Why did I used to believe that being in a relationship was the ultimate measure of happiness or worth?
How did that belief shape the choices I made in love and keep me stuck in something unhealthy?
When did I finally realise that what I was going through was abuse and not just a difficult relationship?
How did it feel to leave, and why did I rush into searching for another relationship?
What grief have I felt about being in my late 30s without the marriage or family I always imagined—and how am I learning to make peace with that?
How do I handle being the only single person in my friend group and the loneliness that sometimes comes with that?
How did I hope relationships and situationships would fill the emptiness I felt—and why didn’t they?
How did my views about men and love start to change once I focused on my own healing?
What feelings, like anger or regret, do I still carry about my past relationship, and how do they show up in my life now?
What have the near-misses or quiet heartbreaks of this solo chapter taught me about what I truly want?
What red flags can I see now that I didn’t, or couldn’t, see before?
What parts of myself have I reclaimed or discovered in these seven years of being solo?
What joy or freedom have I found in being solo that I never expected?
If I could talk to my past self, what would I tell her about the beauty and freedom of choosing myself over chasing romance?
What am I still struggling with on this solo journey—and how am I learning to give myself grace?
I wanted to share this because I know I’m not the only one grappling with these questions. Not everything gets wrapped up neatly. Healing and self-discovery rarely do.
Thank you for being here, for listening, and for allowing me to share my journey.
I’m glad you’re here for the replay and hope the prompts inspire your own reflections.
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Essays mentioned in this video:
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